Close to the end of my Vietnam trip, I had the opportunity to attend a Vietnamese funeral. In this essay, I try to tell the story as I experienced it. I want to share it because it is a beautiful and fascinating culture which I grew fond of. It was a chance to get closer and understand it better.
I met Mai in Hà Nội, on the last stretch of my Vietnam trip. Mai is a delicate and very special person who showed me the ways of Vietnam during my last week. Mai's not an , she was born in Europe and has since moved back to Hà Nội to be closer to her roots and her grandma. On Friday morning I get a message from her - "would you like going to the beach?". I thought it was a joke because there's no beach around Hà Nội. She was not joking and explained that there was some distant family funeral that needed attendance. Since she's not it would feel lonely to be in a place that it's not familiar. So she asked if I wanted to be there with her, on the farewell to the ghosts. I'm glad I said yes.
The travel
We drove the day before from Hà Nội to Cái Rồng. It was a 3-hour drive with her cousin and her partner. The funeral was in Đảo Quan Lạn, Mai's dad's hometown. A boat was scheduled to take family and friends from the mainland to the island, at 07:30. Some relatives went before, on the day he had passed, to comfort the suffering and also help with preparations for the funeral.
It was surprisingly nice weather, and not very cold. I was very concerned because I didn't have a full black outfit for the funeral. We got to the pier and no one was wearing full black, there were formal dark colours, grey or navy. Unlike Western customs where full black outfit is the traditional mourning color, white is the primary color of mourning in Vietnam. Influenced by a blend of Confucianism, Buddhism, and Taoism plus Indigenous beliefs, it differs region-wise, from family to family and how traditional their methods are. White symbolizes purity, the cyclical nature of life and death, and the soul's transition to the afterlife. [1]Footnote 1
We get to the boat, and it's already full. I get this intense feeling, everyone is staring at me. It's pretty obvious and nothing new to me. After all, I'm the European at a Vietnamese funeral on a very humble island. There are old people there are younger people, but mostly older people. It's about an hour-long journey by boat.
We arrived on the island and you could feel the cold wind. A few golf carts were waiting at the pier to take everyone to the funeral. I guess that's what's mostly used for people to get around or tourists if there are any. I later saw them full of kids coming from school, heading home. We got into one, with other distant uncles. They are all older and everyone is quiet. It's a bit sombre. We travel through the entire village and few people on the island are standing by their homes or businesses, witnessing all the cars pass. There are not a lot of people, it's a small town.
Paying respects and offerings
We arrive at the family's home where the uncle passed. It is believed that it is better to be at home surrounded by family when passing away.
Before I travelled to the island, I experienced my first tradition: an offering of fruits, to be placed on the altar. We've been carrying a big fruit bag since Hà Nội. It means a show of respect for the deceased and the family. Fruits are often seen as symbols of nourishment and sustenance. [2]Footnote 2
The second one was an envelope with small money. It's a tradition to give condolence money to the deceased's family in an envelope as a gesture of sympathy, referred to as . It also helps cover the expenses of funerals and reduce burdens in difficult times. People spend a lot of money on Vietnamese funerals because it is very significant to see their deceased family members peacefully move to the other world. Mai's dad's side of the family rushed for the gifts. This was their time for offerings and pay respects.
Everyone lined up and waited to come to the altar. Family members got a piece of white cloth headbands, known as khăn tang trắng. The intimate close family had a white mourning robe with sleeves, hoods for women, and headbands for men. The eldest son had a piece of fabric in his mouth, holding a bamboo stick while standing at the altar for people to pray and burn incense. The distribution of mourning attire is a ceremonial act, often conducted by monks or the eldest son of the deceased. This ritual emphasises the family's unity in grief and collective respect for the departed. [3]Footnote 3
The altar is beautiful, full of offerings, a picture of the deceased, and a huge cooked chicken on top of a plate full of rice. A monk is playing a big drum and there are people holding dozens of incense sticks and distributing them at the entrance. The group stands in front of the altar while prayers are being expressed. After they finish, one by one, every family member moves closer to the altar. They say their prayers and blessings. When they finish, they bow and stick the incense on the altar pots, full of other incense burning. Burning incense is the traditional ritual meant to build a bridge between the visible life of the present generation and the spiritual world of gods and past generations. [4]Footnote 4
During the entire day, this ritual lasted hours with different groups of people. The funeral ceremony tends to follow a certain social and hierarchical order. From what I understood, it begins with family, relatives, in-laws, friends, colleagues, neighbours, and association of elderly people. [5]Footnote 5
Later the military and the people from the communist party, which the deceased was part of. Finally, the monks perform chanting and rituals that guide the soul to the afterlife. Their presence marks the spiritual aspect of the funeral. All of those groups came to pay their respects for hours on end.
The meal
A feast takes place in the same spot where the altar is set up. After finishing paying respects we all sat down at the table to have a meal, it's 10:00 and we were about to have a full lunch. Steamed chicken, braised beef with greens, two types of salads: one with raw vegetables laminated and another with boiled vegetables like broccoli and carrot, dry squid and squid fried patties, white rice, and watermelon. We didn't start eating until the table was full, another small ritual, that would bring bad luck.
After we finished our meal, it was time for all the other social groups to come and pay their own respects. We walked through the village and visited all the temples, five to be precise. Later on, we found some of the family in a house that invited us to a big table where cigarettes were being smoked and hard liquor was shared.
The burial
We returned at 15:00 for the burial ceremony. This is the most sombre moment, it's the moment the deceased leaves home for one last time. Chants and crying are loud as the casket is carried out. Followed by a walking parade to the cemetery with drums and gongs, and throwing votive money to help the soul bribe demons on the way to the netherworld and to give the deceased some startup capital to begin a new life on the other side. At the burial site, the intimate family is closer to it, women kneeling and crying loudly, lamenting in loud tearful voices their praise of the dead person, his virtues, and his accomplishments. Words I couldn't understand but that could only mean one thing. As soon as the casket was inside, everyone started grabbing fists of sand and covering it as a symbolic gesture. These acts serve as a final gesture of love and respect, reflecting the deep spiritual beliefs that underpin Vietnamese funeral customs. While men, with shovels, were covering it with sand. It's interesting to notice mostly women were being very open with their mourning, and crying. The men were not as loud, more reserved with tearful eyes. You could see in their eyes full of pain as well, especially the intimate family.
After the site was filled with sand, they kept going, building a dome on top. A man gathers a handful of incense and lights it up then proceeds to stick them on top of the head tomb. Then something happens, that I was not expecting, there's a house frame built in bamboo. A little house with four walls and a ceiling, not filled but as a grid. They assemble the house on top of the grave site. The tradition of building funeral houses has many good meanings. Not only does it show the filial piety of children to their parents, but also solidarity and mutual protection between neighbours and those living in the same village. [6]Footnote 6
The same men who were shovelling are all now together in this construction effort, tying the structure in place. At last, someone approaches the grave, possibly a monk, though he wasn't wearing any distinctive robes, and kneels by it. Everyone gathers all the gifts from the altar and places them together by the bamboo structure - even the chicken on top of a plate full of rice. Families place personal belongings or meaningful items in the grave, ensuring the deceased has everything they need for the afterlife. Everyone kneels down while this man is chanting prayers, with their own stick of incense, heads down. After they finish, one by one, again, they walk to the burial and bury the stick of incense inside the structure.
The cleanse
Another golf cart was waiting to take us back to the funeral home. It's times like these when you really put things in perspective, whatever you believe, our time alive as humans is limited. Death is inevitable.
There's another meal waiting for us, we have some food as we prepare to return to the boat. Mai's aunt who sits with us at the table takes a plant leaf from her jacket. She brushes her hands with the plant, her face and head. Then proceeds to give it to all of us, one leaf each so we can do the same — "This is to clean yourself from the bad spirits."
As we walk down the road, four of us collectively do the same ritual. We brush the leaf on our hands, our faces and our heads. Cleansing whatever needs to be left behind.
Chao Le
Writing this from Koh Lanta, Thailand, I stumbled across something on the island that was very special. I was riding my motorbike, exploring the island with no destination. At the south of the island on a very remote road, there were dozens of motorbikes and people. I was intrigued by what was going on. I slow down to understand what's this all about and immediately am greeted by a Thai man with a warm smile on his face, extending his hand in a gesture of invitation. You can hear drums and singing but you can't see anything. The road is high with a staircase that leads to a beach. At the entrance to this beach, there's a sign explaining the place and the importance of the rituals practised here. It was a cemetery on the beach.
In there said:
Plaew Hon Sai
"Pleuy" in the southern dialect means cemetery "Pleuy Honsai" is a cemetery in Sanga-U Village.
"Honsa" is a specific term describing a large sand dune of over 1km in length with a steep slope. This type of sand dune may be submerged under water during high tide and only appear when sea water recedes. The Sea Gypsy calls this cemetery by another name -"Pigayilaynuyuber lai" "Piga" means "going to". "Yilai" means "cemetery" "Nuyuberlai" means "origin". "Nuyuberlai" or "Nuyulad" also means a type of fishing apparatus.
Pa Marachi Talayleuk, the 67-year-old organizer of the ancestral worship ritual at this cemetery said that "Since ancient times, we, the Chao Le, have never ventured away from the sea. We prefer to be buried near the sea when we die. We believe that the spirits of our ancestors also like to live next to the sea to listen to the sound of the waves.
We, their descendants, organize the ritual every other year on the 9th night of the full moon in the 5th lunar month. At this time, the relatives come to clean and decorate the cemetery. We bring food to offer to the ancestors and then eat together. Then we sing songs and dance from 9 am until 4 or 5 pm.
We believe that when we are happy, our ancestors will be happy as well.
I walk down the stairs, afraid I'm intruding on the ceremony. I see families having food. Some inviting once again, proven that my fear was not based. There were graves down the stairs and then more on the beach. All cleaned and full of gifts to honour their ancestors. In Thailand, it is very common to see bottles of red Fanta or other fizzy drinks with straws as gifts on altars. More and more families reunite, like at a picnic. At the center of the cemetery, there's a space built for congregation, music, and celebration. Here, people sit in a circle, while others dance to the rhythm of drums and singing voices. It is a chilling experience, there are only smiles and joy on their faces. That's what sticks most out of this experience.
What a stark contrast from my culture. Death is sad and dark while here it is celebrated with joy and community. The rituals to honour the past ones, dancing and singing, not in sadness but rather happiness. Death is not the end. The connection with the ancestors is honoured, celebrated and kept alive after people die. Imagine my disbelief to run into this beautiful ceremony just days after I'd been to a Vietnamese funeral.
Huge thanks to Mai for helping with research for this essay and providing most of the context and meaning presented here, to her family for the lovely hospitality and António for reading drafts.
While black is the traditional colour of mourning in the West, dating back to the Roman Empire, other countries and religions around the world have a wide variety of customs, and different colours may be associated with mourning. White is worn by Buddhists and Hindus. White is considered a symbol of purity in India and China. The rest of the world also adopts brighter colours to celebrate a life gone by - purple is worn in Thailand, yellow in Myanmar and Egypt, blue in Iran, and red often in South Africa and Ghana.
Among the numerous offerings that are required to decorate ancestral altars during the traditional New Year, a five-fruit tray is indispensable for each Vietnamese family. It is a symbol of the wholeheartedness and filial piety of the present generation towards their ancestors and the good of the land. The common five-fruit tray is usually composed of five types of fruits with different colours symbolizing the five elements - Metal, Wood, Water, Fire and Earth. The East Asian and Southeast Asian people believe that the number 5 symbolizes luck and good things. The number 5 also represents the five blessings people usually wish to have in the new year - wealth, luxury, long life, health, and peace. In addition, the fruits chosen for the tray have different meanings. Depending on the climatic characteristics and traditional beliefs of people in each region, the five-fruit tray will include specific fruits. However, all the fruits on display represent good things and the fruits must be fresh, delicious, and beautiful. Their colours must be harmonious with each other. People usually base on the shape and colour of fruits to translate their symbolic meanings. In the North, the five-fruit tray often includes banana, pomelo, papaya, persimmon, sapodilla plum, orange, Buddha's hand, figs, and jujube. They believe that a hand of green bananas symbolizes family reunion every The pomelo symbolizes success and prosperity, persimmon - wealth and luck. Orange represents health and success. Buddha's hand is shaped like a hand, praying to be blessed by ancestors, God and Buddha in the New Year. To ensure balance on the tray, one usually places a hand of bananas in the middle with the bananas pointing upright and the pomelo on the concave surface of the bananas. Then one puts the oranges, sapodilla plums, and apples in the gaps between the bananas and the pomelo. The last little gaps are filled with kumquats to create a full, compact tray of fruits. In colours, the fruit tray presents a harmonious combination of the different colours of fruits. For example, dark green of banana, light yellow of pomelo, deep red of persimmon, reddish-yellow of orange and kumquat, light green of jujube, and the dark brown of sapodilla plum. To complete the picture, the fruit tray is covered here and there with some small, fresh leaves of kumquat.
The father's death is represented by a bamboo stick, round as a symbol of . The mother's death by wooden branches carved into a square shape, symbolising . Mourners use walking sticks made of bamboo and act as though they are groping their way along and would fall without the stick's support.
After funeral family will held memorial service every , some last until . offerings, incense prayers, death, one year anniversary, 2 years marks end of mourning period and the mourning clothes which were worn by family members at funeral will be burned. Also during these 2 years no big life changing plans like weddings are allowed or are to be postponed. According to legend, in 49 days, the soul can pass through 7 prison gates, 100 days through the 8th door. The small wall armoured for 1 year, the soul of the deceased passed through the 9th gate and the Great wall armoured for 2 years, through the 10th gate. After going through those 10 prison gates, the soul peacefully transitioned. Therefore, worshipping 100 days or 49 days is all because of the desire for the deceased to reach afterlife, free from evil spirit.
The whole community; family, relatives, friends and neighbours, got together and renewed ties. From the moment of imminent death until the end of the funeral, key relatives and friends stayed at the home and helped organize everything; from cooking and preparing garb to making arrangements. Family plays a central role in Vietnamese funerals, as these events are seen as collective responsibilities. Relatives come together to support each other and to honor the deceased. Elders typically oversee the ceremonies, ensuring traditions are observed. Younger family members participate by assisting with preparations, welcoming guests, and performing rituals. This collective effort reflects the deeply ingrained values of respect and togetherness in Vietnamese Culture.
When a loved one passes away, in addition to mourning, at the funeral, children and grandchildren must prepare assets for the deceased such as funeral homes, money columns, gold, and silver lumps with the hope that their relatives in the afterlife will have a full life, satisfying the wishes of the living and the dead about losing enough life. From Tày ethnic group: https://youtu.be/fy6OlkbXJH0